She knew it would never last. And it didn’t. But, these are the words that will remained burned into her heart for the rest of her life.
On a Wednesday night, the last week in May
you started saying those words.
I thought it was absurd, surely I misheard…
You asked me to come back to you after I had gone away…
So, come back I did, to reassure your soul.
As you fell asleep, I went to go.
Told you that I loved you so…then…you started talking too.
It started with “I love you Jenny”
followed by “Goodnight”
I didn’t believe my ears, I couldn’t have heard right.
Two days passed, and then,
I found myself once again
alone with you in your room
where you were trapped in your spiral of doom
trying just to keep yourself afloat…
“Don’t leave me”, you pleaded
my bleeding heart went out to you
I held you in my arms as you cried
“I’m so sorry, Jenny. So very sorry…”
For what, I didn’t know…
“I broke your heart so long ago…”
That simply wasn’t true, this is what I told you
I’m tougher than I look & stronger than I seem
I saw in your eyes then a hopeful gleam
“I’ve always adored you, I care for you so much
I was just too afraid to ever let you know.
I thought I would destroy you, I never wanna hurt you…”
The sad smile on my face was matched by your own
when I told you I loved you & I always would…
But it was time for me to go.
“No! Please, don’t leave me?
Don’t leave me; I’m begging you Jenny-Bird.”
As though your life hung on every word, you pleaded with me to stay…
So, I stayed.
But the pleading didn’t stop,
if anything it got stronger & more desperate.
“I couldn’t stand it if you left, I think I might die if you leave…”
Then you started to cry…
“Oh, Peter Pan,” I said to you, so worried for my friend.
“Are you talking about when I’m done with school?”
I felt so foolish. Why should you care if I leave or I stay?
I didn’t know what to say…
“I couldn’t bear if you left,” you said in a rush
Then with your voice quite hushed, through your tears you whispered
“I think I would die without you here…”
My heart stopped
Tears filled my eyes
I tightened my arms’ hold around you
“No matter where I go, no matter what I do
How far away I am… I will never, ever leave you.
I’ll always be right here for you, Pan.”
You didn’t like that answer.
You shook your head; you growled & said,
“That’s not the same.
You’ll be gone, I’ll be here…
You’re leaving in a year.
You’ll be with what’s his name who does the stuff.”
You tried so hard to sound tough…
I turned your head around
Took your face in my hands & I said,
“Adrian. I think you have been misled.
There is no what’s his name, not now at least
and if you wanted to…
You could come with me.”
Your eyes, how they lit up,
your smile brightened the room
I saw you come out of your spiral of doom… and then…
The thing I never knew I would miss
exactly as I’d always imagined and better at the same time.
For those minutes, for that hour… You were mine.
But I knew it wouldn’t last
the sun would rise, oh so fast…
And with its rays your words would fade
Disappearing in the light of day.
You felt my hesitation,
you asked me why?
So I addressed the situation…
“I’ve loved you for so long,”
a tear sliding down my face
“It was always wrong… Wrong time, wrong place…”
With a deep breath I explained…
“Tomorrow this will be over.
You’ll wake up, you won’t remember.
I know you too well, Peter Pan,
More than anyone else, I understand.”
Another growl then these words,
I’ll do whatever it takes Jenny-Bird,
to prove to you how much I care
Even if it takes forever, you’ll see just how much you mean to me.
Everything I’m doing now, everything I’ve done was to be the man you deserve to have;
so I could deserve you, too.
I just can’t get rid of you, Jenny-Bird.”
“Get rid of me?!” I cried, “If that’s what you want, I’ll leave right now,”
Only half joking, I pulled away.
You pulled me harder to your side,
you kissed me long and hard, you said,
“This connection that we have, it just won’t go away.
I don’t want it to; I couldn’t imagine life another way.
I’ve missed you Jenny, so much,”
You showed me with your touch, the passion in your heart…
As you drifted off to sleep,
I wouldn’t let my eyes close
I wanted to remember everything from this night
So that when the sun rose and you forgot I would know…
You told me that you loved me
you said how much you cared
more than I had ever dared to hope for
you showed me in one bittersweet night…
It hurts but I know I’ll be alright
now that once more you’ve gone away…
At least, for just a moment
you found the courage to say what was in your heart.
And now, just like we knew you would,
this night has disappeared.
It didn’t happen if I don’t remember…
But I will always remember.
I will always be grateful for this one fateful night
when our paths met along with our lips
I’ll consider it our farewell kiss
before we embark into our new lives…
Goodbye Peter Pan.
About Jenny Shaw:
I grew up in a rural town in northern Utah. My life wasn’t particularly exciting, no grand adventures or epic love stories. The oldest child of a middle-class American family, homeschooled and the only non-LDS family on the block, I didn’t have many friends growing up. So, I made them up. Writing became my escape, my way into the life and friendships I only dreamed of having.
I’d been singing since before I can remember and writing for almost as long. Eventually, the two merged into angsty teenaged poetry which then evolved into something almost called real music. At this point in my life, my music and my writing are my ways of expressing myself, reaching into the world outside of me to add to it, make it more beautiful than it was before…and it is much cheaper than therapy. Ha!